this is my clown page
if you like what you see here, send me an email :) *~for sale*~ for hire ~*
^i wont tell you why this important unless you ask me- you have my number
the morning. is. mine. :)
ive collected...many boots...
i saw a HUGE dog!!!! bear dog. i was walking to get yogurt when i saw him...did not have the chance to make eye contact.
my textile desing for Marc Jacobs Heaven came out this week. i told my AD that when i submit works, they no longer feel like they are mine. when its released, i get to enjoy it for the first time like everyone else. this isnt a choice, its just how i feel. i move on quickly (with some things). i have to say the pieces look really good. they are LOUD. they sold out almost immediately so they did a restock. the work will stand out for years to come. theyve already hired me again for the spring season. i am grateful. still saving all my moneys for something BIG. like big boops or big lips
the best thing about this job is that its 10 years post my intership at Marc. summer 2011 i was an intern in their handbag department. it was....interesting. i was unpaid. every day i took the train from the FIT dorms to soho, picked up the camera and took the train back to FIT to use the library...then took the train back to soho to return the camera... and then back to the FIT dorms to go to bed. (unless i had work. i was a hostess at Tao lol). i also had a violent period this entire time, it lasted 2 months. i was one sick kitten. that was a weird summer. i dont think i had an iphone back then, i have no photos of that time in my life. perhaps for the better
hey, can i have no iphone now? no. the answer is a whopping no.
i ended up being paid for that summer bc of a class action lawsuit for all unpaid interns in NYC. are you exhausted? i am. and its not even your life its MINE. ive always made things hard...but im having the most fun
if you live on pacific street and youre still reading this, go fuck yourself.
thinking about mew's little bubble tonight. where is my bubble?
a friend of mine has a problem, he cant commit to anyone. its a serial issue he has. he is self aware. he has left a few of my friends bleeding on the ground. metaphorically. he likes to play chess. i told him i almost wished i was like him, but i can assume how painful it is to exist like that. he confirmed. i pray for him. (i never actually pray. i mention god and praying a lot. there is no god except for me. more on that another time.)
the past few months ive been keeping a close eye on specific dates. i think this started because of what im going to call 'personal contact tracing'. some significant life events in combination with keeping myself and my friends covid-safe. ive needed to know certain dates. so ive ended up counting days and numbers. but i hate math. i suppose this is temporary.
and now im counting saturdays. each saturday is 7 days of a habit im trying to break. tomorrow it will be 14 days. and next saturday duh- 21.
oh yeah- if i dont like something, i count down from 90. and it almost always goes away before i reach 0. this is for like turbulance or a stomach ache. if i cant sleep, i count down from 90. when im in my special meeting, i always count down from 90 and normally can finish by 40 :-)
but. i hate numbers?
i guess i should write a little about MoRk JaCObZ since ive written about some other milestone jobs on here. im just not in the moot yet
if u see me, remind me. ha. ha. ha.
i know it means nothing but to me it means everything. god help me
last night i had my first dream where i was flying. i never have flying dreams. i dont have sex dreams either but i do have ex dreams.
i was flying over a south american mountan-jungle-scape. yes, i knew this. it was a nightmare because i felt out of control. my note about the dream says it was a toxic, supernatural wind that was carrying me. maybe i wasnt flying at all. there was architecture below me at one point, a resort hotel. i knew that the hotel had a history of being haunted by a ghostly-wind. maybe it was me.
i couldnt put my feet on the ground if i wanted to. i tried grabbing onto trees and branches so that i could stop flying, i was going back and forth forever, everything slipped through my fingers.
still havnt developed that roll
ooooooooOooooof. wait for it-
just like a song, a person can get stuck in your head- even if they dont deserve it.
i still have no idea what i was to some people. but man, aint that life! no but really what was i to you-
yesterday i was playing in the surf and told my friend a story. someone much older than i told it to me. he did not make it up.
i made my voice all serious and i said:
once there was a little wave traveling in the sea. the little wave found it had caught up next to a huge wave, close to breaking. the little wave looked up at the big wave and said 'arent you afraid? wont you soon be gone?' and the big wave looked down at the little wave and said 'no, i am not afraid. i am not a wave, i am the ocean'
"ive had a lot of relationships in my time, platonic or otherwise, but the ones i think about the most are those that never made it to term. the dashing first date who didnt call you back. that lady on the train you had an amazing conversation with but never saw again. the cool neighbor kid you met a week before he moved away. i guess im just haunted by all that potential energy. one moment, the universe presents you with this amazing opportunity for new possibilities...and then....' -brian k vaughan
any day can be the first day of the rest of your life
today is always a fun day to pretend i can be different because its the marker of 5 years post salmonella incident. i know if i scroll back i can find the entry i did from the hotel room in south korea where i stayed when i was sick and not allowed to fly
today i looked up and remembered some nonsense about purging and starting fresh. and then i remembered what day it was , how this day 5 years ago i had never been so physically empty in my entire life. not everyone gets to exist with nothing inside of them. people with food poisoning get to try it. i dont recommend
i remember when that was the hardest thing i ever dealt with. it still might be.
the link between the stomach and the psyche is pretty clear for me. not everyone can say that. that takes deep personal knowledge, one has to study themselves. ive had some profound emotional experiences that end with me chained to the toilet and that is not a complaint
gonna try to stay out of trouble from here on out
i had a lot to say last night when i was typing up my thoughts. then i thought it better to keep it simple. im the only one who really needs to understand what goes here anyways.
i think i run a fever every night. since i was 20 i havnt once not sweat the bed. its hard for me to share a bed with someone since our temp combined could start a fire.
i think when my heat rises, my body cleans itself. it may be why i get sick so infrequently. nothing can survive inside me except my wicked thoughts. who wouldnt like to burn calories in their sleep. i meant wicked in a good way.
i think things are slowing down in my head.i think i gave a lot of credit outwardly, it should have all gone to me. i am cool
my last roll of film might be haunted and im scared to develop it beause i shot a ghost
i bought an expensive and rediculous dinner i've been thinking about for 6 years. i didnt finish anything
they gave me knife which i needed two hands for.
are you with me still?
im romping around this town. i dont bring my sketchbook with me, really. thats strange. i still feel like i cant see anyones face. its like staring at a word for so long, it loses its meaning. no one here is really wearing a mask. i dont feel like i need to be drawing all the time anymore but i think its because im being hired a lot. when im not hired by someone else i will see what comes out of me.
i was trying to remember when i went weird. and what makes other people weird. no one can say that i wasnt loved as bb. but i turned out weird.
i was allowed to sit out class in 3rd grade because the teacher asked me to draw one of the seven wonders of the world
she put a desk and chair in the hallway and said [do it]. so i got to miss class. and i think i really really really liked missing class. i dont like school. for the rest of my life i think i can be treated special if i am good at my art. how smart of me. ive been 'missing class' ever since but im definitely alone in the hallway in my chair at my desk and the lights are going out prettttttty soon.
its important to find the right balance of selfishness. being too selfless sucks and being too selfish makes others hate you. but as i get older im getting better at walking this line. you have to ignore what others think of you
hey. how are you? im sorry, i went to get some more ice for my drink, i told you i would be back. my friend and i are sitting outside on her porch during a rainstorm. she has no wifi. but we are both on our laptops. i dont know what shes is typing but i decided i better type, also.
this entry will be sent to the server when i have internet, i just wrote it today. now. its where where i am and im far away from that awful gravitational pull.
haha yeah they liked me but not enough to keep me ha ha ha
im leaving town. temporarily.
but im going out to lunch FOREVER
okay this helped me:
"you came here for yourself, and left for the same reason"
STOP DOING THIS.
im thinking about recyling. i dont believe in recyling, i think the system is flawed, but we do it because it makes us a ' good person'. recycle when people are watching.
recyling glass or cans is important because for some people, that is income. again: flawed system. i will do my best to recycle appropriately for people who need the money.
i have been able to recylce my digital artwork in new artwork. i am recycling.
i have become reusable- i have been recycled against my will many times.
god bless her:
fellas, its been good to know ya
this is the absolute sanest i can be right now, trust me. i dont even think this is bad. whats so wild...is you can talk to ANYONE....except them. gnar
for one week or maybe two, i would like to be no one’s daughter, no one’s friend, no one’s sister, no one’s employee, no ones confidant, and no ones source. i just wonder what it would feel like, and how i bet i could be the best sister daughter friend employee confidant and source when i return.
no matter which way i shake it, february is always the most expensive month.
overnight you became a stranger with my secrets, without my consent.
some motherfuckers are so gd weird looking and i love it
my turnaround time on this site is always quick when i am nursing a wound. some people have a diary but i need something less private. i already spend a lot of time with myself, its better to imagine that you are here with me.
i just realized that i am swallowing things all the time. i’m swallowing information and i’m swallowing news, i’m swallowing interactions with people i love and people i hate and people i dont even know- it comes my way and it goes inside and through me. but i get to decide what stays, i get to decide what is sustenance and what is shit and that is a GREAT feeling. my choice. like some people only ‘hear what they want to hear’.
the more time i spend alive, the less i believe in ‘making plans’. ha what a joke
i’m supposed to be working right now but i can’t do that without doing this
^my favorite cow
how are you?
I’m okay, just arriving to update this site in case my other rented-internet property is reclaimed by big tech. i have to come leave my scent here every once in a while. i know i already said this, but i cannot explain how good it feels to remember the login details of my server to get in here.
i was experimenting with twitter for a week because i thought it would make me feel something i’m looking for but its not. this is the place where its REALLY anonymous- i don’t know who is reading this. i know i HOPE who is reading and who i hope ISNT. not everyone is welcome here but i cannot control that.
i fell into a hole, and i have to trust that it was an accident. i swear to god someone left all my favorite things like clementines and candy and jokes and kisses and the right touches and the right words and potential-rare-steaks and cartoon movies and semi-long drives and good music to dance to- someone left all this next to a hole i didn’t see and i fell right the fuck in. when i got to the bottom there was no bottom and i realized i would keep falling unless i grabbed a rope that i left for myself or maybe it was a parachute backpack i didn’t know i was wearing. i pulled the string so i could slow down and i wouldn’t splat onto the ground, wherever it was. i don’t know, because i’m not landing, I’m just going to climb out of the hole and keep walking forward and watch out for other trouble. this hasnt happed in years- i better be cautious. theres people out there who hurt themselves and then end up hurting you. its hard for me to see and I’m not sure whats safe anymore but i don’t want to think about it. i just plan to keep existing and following what feels good. it could happen again
not happy that we ended up here.
i got covid in december. i still can’t use my nose the way i used to but other than I’m fine. i don’t like eating as much (ha) but i stayed home almost entirely for 20 days and it was hard. i got a lot of work done. i still haven’t had time to make personal work. i think i lost 8 pounds and now I’m getting it back via ice cream since its all i can stomach during this time in my life. i tested negative twice before i lost my sense of smell but prior to that i quarantined anyways, i didnt want to spread it. every person i did come in contact with did test negative. but its pretty scary to wonder if you accidentally harmed your friends
this pic rules so hard
i found some good inspiration twitters with sci fi art and cinematography, which is nice. some stuff i wanted to tweet but i don’t care anymore. like, is wendy williams real? if anyone knew my morning TV routine i could be killed…i know someone going through an end of life crisis but tbh i’m just gonna let them… and i wanted to ask twitter, how will i know if its me thats the problem? i don’t know what other people think of me, so I’m gonna jus assume its not me…but the numbers are adding up and my self esteem is taking a pounding. but i like myself and i keep good company with myself. i didn’t used to, but now i think I’m alright. maybe i need a dawgy arf arf
here i am!
my temporary living situation is ALONE and i like it. its the first time in my life i’ve lived alone and i like the feeling. i will be looking for a new way to live alone after this place ends but i wouldn’t mind living with a perfect sweetie in the future. i would live abroad for a while at this point fuck the united states i will be a mail order bride in eastern europe.
i started listening to all the music i listed to 10 years ago in high school this morning
someone in teipei bought print of this and sent me this photo i thought it was amazing
i like tall, funny, and someone who knows what cyberduck is.
look how cool that girls coat is ^ i stopped her and asked for a photo. im gonna make stuff like this when i have time. maybe when im 31.
i think i will set a realist goal of updating this once a week with at least 5 photos per update. lets see, lets shake on it.
do you think that after social media has been around for x amount of time, the people who were there for it at the beginning (myspace) will get sick of it? phrase that another way: do you suppose people will stop caring about what the people outside of their immediate-circle are doing? that is what social media did. it made us think/care about what other people are doing/how they are living. people you sometimes knew well or people you didnt really know at all. suddenly in the early 2000s everyone on planet earth became heavily invested in other people's business. i think i’m getting really sick of seeing what people that aren’t relevant in my life anymore are doing. this happens all the time when i log into Facebook and is starting to happen when i use instagram. it would be funny if one of the most significant inventions of our time, whose goal was to connect people, started to have the exact opposite effect. not that we would become cold or turn away from one another, but we would simply invest all of our caring into what was real, and nothing else. i guess then it would still fulfil its purpose (to bring people together) just without the internet being the facilitator. it would be like when the pendulum swings the other direction. i want that to happen. i'm tired from casting my net too wide.