this is my clown page
if you like what you see here, send me an email :) *~for sale*~ for hire ~*
I think I fried the graphics card. I updated my laptop IOS in order to download a software that i didn’t even end up using, all for a job. the job was animation, it was for miley’ cyrus’s instagram. i might need a new laptop, and it might cost more than what the job paid. but I’m not mad, these things happen and i have a lot of money saved up, just in case. its sunday night, early. the days are shorter because of winter. i feel only somewhat present, i partied last night and i had a great time. but i feel twisted. i want to fall asleep, but not yet. my favorite movie-musical is on TV. i’m streaming TCM onto my iPad while i type this on my defunct-laptop and periodically check my iphone. that’s a lot of screens….but sunday is screen day. on sunday mornings now i go to a figure-drawing class in the city, i come home late afternoon and enjoy my sunday. its a peaceful, slow day. its also a treat-day: i like to order delivery for dinner. i haven’t written to myself here in quite some time. for a while there, i was writing to you. but now i don’t care and i don’t know who else is there, so its for me. I’m pretty sure no one reads this but its fine- i say, i love having my secret/not secret blog. keeping this website feels like my graffiti on the world wide web. its also a marker of time on the internet as we know it. i shedded several layers of skin during fall. my hair is turning pre-gray, i can see it. i got rid of a lot people that i knew were baggage. I’ve been known to hold onto baggage but now i can’t. its just not worth it. no one is going to suddenly become who you thought they were. its that simple. i don’t even miss you so much is happening now, and i’m in the middle of it. its swirling around me, violently sometimes. but I’m holding on to myself really really tightly- i know i will weather this like a champion. like a rock. god (me) knows i’ve been through worse- ps i'm just uploading this using plain HTML. (graphics error) i still got it!
everything here asks you to try harder. its harder to make plans, harder to stay cool & cool, harder to stay hydrated. Its harder to go outside. its hard to walk anywhere.
you have to try harder to get people to leave their houses, or you have to go to their houses to see them. you have to try harder to be patient in traffic (something i am actually very good at). You have to ask several times for what you want. i dont really like doing any of these things.
im composing this from a bedroom in chinatown, on the bed of the room i rented for the month. its 4:58 pm and i'm in bed because I strained my neck this morning. I answered a long email without supporting my giant head and here i am, crippled. still, in pain, i walked over 4 miles because im messy.
I had a reservation for a car today. i made the reservation weeks ago. but this morning i changed the location for absolutely no reason, fucking up my entire plan. the plan that i made weeks ago was perfectly fine. so today i had no car and i was walking. i feel rediculous walking here. my first instincts are always right. for plans. i dont need to go around messing with an already-in motion plan. i have a problem doing this. i need to be trusting and secure in the choices i make.
someone [handsome] did a u-turn to ask if i needed a ride somewhere. i declined
if youre not inside of a car or an establishment, LA is a decrepit with no character. at least new york city is decrepit WITH character.
i got to see my favorite movie in theaters, labyrinth. it was pretty fun to be in a theater full of labyrinth stans (there were only 10 of us). we danced and sang and clapped the whole movie. if they still made movies like this (magic) i would probably like being on set doing art direction or preproduction character design. jim henson style. what an amazing person. RIP.
now when i watch the movies i loved as a child, i view them with a desire to understand how they are made. the background art, the animation style, how something is anchored and the paths it takes to move and become alive. i went to a gallery here i've been recieving newsletters from since 2019. they had a big collection of books all about concept-art and animation. i bought a graphic novel (ghost of the gulag) and an artist-print ( Ilya Kuvshinov)
i went to a party here, it was different than a party back home. strangers are better at just talking to eachother. i sat down on a cushioned patio seat and inserted myself into an already-happening conversation about a jewish-media indoctrination camp in Utah, and it went just swimmingly. perhaps thats not because of the location-maybe that was just me being brave.
my show in tokyo has been pushed to spring, so maybe i will make other travel plans this fall. ha, i love new york, but i cant stay there more than 5 minutes.
where is my life going?
i kissed the first four people who are the top of my story view, at this moment i typed this.
LA what are you???????? WHAT ARE YOU
I was doing nothing in NY so I decided to try doing nothing in another city, I picked LA. this place is like a giant dumpster-desert. everytime i enter an 'establishment' (restaurant, store, bookshop, bar, etc) im always SHOCKED there are normal people inside. because on the outside, this place looks and feels tremendously barren.
this place is like every place, its about the people. wherever you go, its about who you are with. it takes more of a plan/effort to be social here and i actually hate planning and effort. not like in NYC where you can just roll out of bed and things happen from sun up to sundown, all you have to do is breathe. here you have to plan things.
i've been spending every day with a friendly ghost, he reminds me of the power of forgiveness. and all my past-drama with this ghost aside, im having a lot of fun. the past doesnt really matter when you become expert at handling the present.
we just drive to different beaches listening to music. coming and going.
PS i came here to jumpstart my relationship with art, its not really happening yet
the artist-peers I went to school with (Illustration at FIT) have been making dynamite work post-graduation. I get a sense of pride when I see the work the illustration alumni is making from my year. BUT IM ALSO SEEING THE SAME CREATIVE BURNOUT. its interesting to me. at the same time as me, its as though our juices are slowing down and we need a refresher. i should reach out and see what resources my pals use to get back in the game....or perhaps this is just it.
dispatches from CA,
writing about something I have been thinking a lot about
There comes a time in some people's lives when you have a certain moment of realization. sometimes it happens all at once, sometimes it happens slowly and gradually you come to this realization. its a 'kill your heroes' thing. you just realize that someone is no longer important in a way that they were before. for example, realizing your parents are just people. they are just two fucking people who happened to have a kid. not to minimize the importance of experience (age), but everyone has experiences. your experiences dont automatically qualify you as a person of greater authority or knowledge. sometimes its a peer you admired or looked up to. just like one day, youre like, 'oh okay. youre not special. i MADE you special. but really, youre just like me'. its bittersweet when you have this moment, its also humbling. we're just little people, thinking our little thoughts. no one is better than anyone else. this information is not to be used to become insubordinate or to stand ABOVE anyone else, its not meant for patronizing. its just meant to realize that oneself is just as capable, just as cool, just as able, as anyone else.
we see greatness in others, when it is really in ourselves.
i dont do anything, im not capable of doing anything, i sit on my perch i sit in the crows nest and i just watch everthing happen to me
I have so many things i want to write here but ive been just precumming them somewhere else on the internet. i should really be mindful of where i leak and where i explode.
I'm on a plane, i visited my friend emily in LA. she was my best friend in new york. people confuse us all the time. people think i'm her and start conversations as if it were true. we find this hilarious. emily is beautiful and half japanese. we teach eachother things all the time
theres this girl on twitter i keep checking on. we dont know eachother and she seems like an idiot but i cant help myself. shes so entertaining. she took something from that i thought i wanted.
there are many relationships people have with one another that are not equal. i held onto a signifcant amount of unequal relationships until recently. i can no longer give more than i get. i refuse. im throwing you all away. you are the refuse now
'i cant' does not exist. it is now 'i wont' and that pleases me so. there is less room for questions in 'i wont'. back off.
you really really shouldnt try to ever be serious on the internet. enough with the 'causes'.
my sister gave me a book to read. it was about an artist, and his son. The Italian Teacher. "success in art is 50% timing and 50% geography. the rest is talent"
i ummmmmmmm cannot wait to disappear and i dont want to make digital art for anyone else for a long time.
i just finished a very big job for a very big company. i hope it comes out. if it comes out, its going to be actually....so cool.
people love to say 'wow, youre doing what you wanted!' when we talk about our jobs. but im not really sure i ever wanted anything, im just doing what it is that im doing. im grateful but also confused. i cant ever leave the 'office'. making a career out of art is really damaging to a creative. i actually think its impossible. as soon as you make a buck off of your work, its fucking ruined. its not for you anymore. its for someone else, someone with a checkbook.
im used to being alone a lot, but lately ive felt so lonely. im going to fix this.
i love you!
i'm becoming so beautiful. im going to become so beautiful. im talking about my garden. im talking about my brain. its growing in the dark
im afraid that i died in the multiverse in july 11th at midnight. there is literally no one i can talk to about this. if i died, its my fault. im sorry
doing nothing is really important to me.
some people probably think i sit around and do nothing all day. well, theyre right. sometimes. SOMETIMES i do nothing and its a pretty important part of my practice AS WELL as a coping mechanism for depression.
some people dont understand that if i have nothing going on, i prefer it that way. it doesnt mean i have time to 'catch up on phone calls' or 'focus on a personal project' and it sure as fuck doesnt mean i get to do you a fucking favor.
unless i want to, of course.
i just have this feeling some people might say 'well we know she doesnt work so i'm not sure whats going on or why she hasnt _____'. I AM WORKING. WORKING ON STAYING ALIVE
creating my own market feel like im the captain of a pirate ship with no crew but good intentions
you have no idea how violent it becomes in my head when someone says 'oh you should try real airbursh'
its a friday night and im reading the new yorker out loud to myself in dfferent accents because i dont feel like being social and i ate a few magic beans. i dont feel like seeing much of anyone so much at all
i had this idea if everytime i wanted to use my pocket devil for hellwork i could do some art work instead. and instead of writing a tweet i could write a dog post
i wish i had an agent. i wish i had more self motivation. i wish i could sleep all day and all night
i need something to fuss over
there are 800 things going on outside of me that all look impressive but inside i feel like the nightmare scene in oklahoma
i will feel better later
youre a horrible PI. are they paying you at least? kisses
i hold onto people the same way i hold onto an 'important' item of clothing or paper (its not important and neither are they)
but now i put a lof things in the trash.
i dont drink alcohol right now for over 1 month. because i am vain and wanted to sleep better. now i sleep so well that my dreams are long and vivid and often (still) contain a nightmare. maybe i can lucid dream, something ive always wanted- perhaps its time to start practicing again. i know some tricks.
i have many dreams about sea life. last night i was in the desert. i was walking beside a large pink starfish who was moving forward with determination. he was almost half my size. he moved in cartwheels. i walked by his side for what felt like hours until we reached a shore and he went into the ocean where he belonged. that was so nice
i feel something changing in my work and my face is erupting into a mess. im probably processing out a nasty toxin and i know its name, too.
i go back in time and i wonder if i had the right reactions but its hard to control yourself in the moment. i wonder if i could stay collected if i could get what i want. back to those eruptions, right? heh.
time for my medication !
google analytics says no one is here.
ive gotten so strong over the past 2 years from holding all my pieces together thinking that at any moment they could go flying everywhich direction ripping me apart. but now im starting to think that that will never happen and ive just become a strong person from being in survival mode at all times. the other side of this is its hard for me to be happy or excited about much
a song i wish i could draw
im trying to understand crypto and NFTs but i need help
curious about the london bridge in the 1700s
i like reading with a flashlight
another whacky wednesday
my latest nightmare:
i was waiting in line to jump off the high-dive at the community pool when this kid in front of me missed. he landed on the cement.
i had this dream when i was a kid that my sister died. (my sister was almost terminated because of complications- you may ask me about this if you see me -)
in my dream i come downstairs for breakfast and mom is holding her body and she says to me 'im so sorry'. all the lights are off
that may be my worst nightmare. theres is a secen in magnetic rose (im sorry im SOOOOOO annoying for talking about it so much, but maybe this is why?) thats similar. the same visual of an adult holding the body in a dark room
how can i help you
could i ever
youre not a loser, i am
i did something so awful/embarrassing, i was allowed to move 40 spaces ahead on the board and collected a million dollars. what a wonderful feeling. youre such a fucking loser.
every artist had a response to the years 2016-2020. (im talking in a roundabout way about the president)
my favorite artist, one of them, is a writer. dexter palmer. he wrote my favorite book and invented my favorite artist (then killed her-) Astrid Winslow.
astrid i think of you every day-
I'm reading palmers third book because im a loyalist. nothing compares to TDOPM. but im about halfway through Mary Toft and ive realized that it i am reading palmer's response to 2016-2020.
nobody laughs at the king
black and white roll
O is for O P T I O N :)
you shouldnt have done half of the things you did if you were going to do what you "had to do" u sicko.
the embarrassing part of all this is that is its never 'too late' with a cancer
testing a new subfolder today with the following important images:
but yesterday i drove to the top of a really steep hill and i was really scared to do it alone, had my dad on the line with me
i love my little car. it is the little engine that could